martes, 5 de mayo de 2020

Letters to Ellen

Hi dear godmother



Recently I have gone through different situations a little unstable.
I thought a lot about whether I should share this with you, but since you have played an important role in my life, I see it as another support, almost like an angel, I would not like to hide anything from you. And I thought about it a lot because my biggest fear is being judged by people, even though I'm already trying not to think like that, well, that's another story. I would like you to keep an open mind ...
More than two years ago I started with ideas about death, then those thoughts became suicidal ideation, yes, there came a point where I thought about killing myself. At that time I was afraid, out of nowhere I moved away from everything and everyone, I had a lot of problems with my friends, my school average dropped, I didn't want to go to school, after nothing I started to improve but then I felt empty again , I was in that vicious circle during the last years. The stupidest thing is that I never talk to anyone about how I felt, nobody knew, I was afraid of being judged because in the eyes of others I had everything and there was no reason for me to be sad, that was what gave me the most helplessness I didn't want to feel that way, I just couldn't help it.
In these last months everything got worse, the ideas of suicide in my head were stronger, I tried to kill myself but my boyfriend prevented it, I hurt my boyfriend, out of nowhere my whole world fell down, my whole family found out what was happening , I could not assimilate it, my true reality that I had kept hidden under false "I'm fine" was discovered by the people I love most. June was a really difficult month, I went through many changes, some people who initially showed me support after they turned their backs on me and judged me, I felt really fatal, I didn't want to get close to people because I thought I could hurt them, I was scared, I didn't want to socialize.
Despite all that, now I can really say that I'm fine. In the end my family, my boyfriend, my true friends, my hospital companions supported me to improve. I am attending the psychotherapeutic process and start having medical appointments with a psychiatrist. I was so blind that I did not see all the support I could receive from the people who love me, everything is gradually improving, communication with my family improved a lot, I even think that in a very short time I will no longer need medication. I think I'm in the best time of my life, I love my job in the hospital, I love my career, I love my family, my boyfriend and my friends. I learned that although I study a career in mental health, it does not mean that I must be strong all the time. Now I am working more on my emotional stability and anxiety management, I don't want to hurt myself anymore and neither do others.
I will understand if your opinion about me changes, but I don't want to hide anything from now on. I have learned not to shut up anymore. The depression really is a very dangerous disease...